Flaming Twinkie
by AlternateAnything
Summary: AU-Anko told Iruka that since people want what they can't have, he should be what no woman could have: gay. That backfired on him, but who ever said back-firing was a bad thing? KakaIru yaoi


**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto. I own nothing. _Nothing. _*sobs dramatically*

Iruka remembered the first time he'd met Kakashi, the boy had been stuffing his face during a block party and Iruka had been hiding behind a rock from the Takahashi brothers and Takahashi Ting, Iruka's girlfriend—ex girlfriend. Iruka had been five and Kakashi was six, and they'd met the same way all other boys that were destined to be spirit brothers did. He farted and Iruka laughed—instant friendship. The seventh time he met him was in kindergarten—Kakashi started a year late—and they made mud pies together and threw them at Momoko, Kakashi's first love, and Rei—she smelled like cookies—because that was their version of a love confession.

They yelled stuff like, "Snot-nose!"

But, they only screamed stuff like that when it was really serious.

"Mud-breath!" That meant that they thought the girls were pretty.

"Oni-skin!" That meant that they liked them, had a crush on them.

If they exclaimed, "Ino-face!" Then it was love.

The thirteenth time Iruka saw him was on the sixth day of kindergarten. He looked at Momoko the wrong way so Kakashi punched him in the face. He had to, or else he'd be less of a person. Iruka kicked him in the balls. He had to, or else he'd be less of a person. It was in the rules, unspoken and unwritten, but they were still there. All boys knew them, as far as Iruka knew. Kakashi split Iruka bottom lip so that it bled and Iruka gave him a black eye, but at the end of it, Iruka was the one bawling his eyes out and limping away. That meant, for a few days or weeks or so, Kakashi was above him.

That was their world.

Days later, when his superiority wore off, they were stuck together again, but by then Kakashi didn't like Momoko anymore, he liked Becky Thomas. She was one of the only white girls in their community and they both knew it wouldn't happen, but Iruka still threw mud pies at her and Sato Rei when Kakashi wanted to. That was what best friends did. Besides, Kakashi was half white to begin with, so if anyone had a chance with her, it'd be him, yeah?

The fifteen thousandth two hundred and thirty-fourth time Iruka saw Kakashi was when his drunken Uncle was beating him to within an inch of life. They were twelve or thirteen, and Iruka had moved to help him, but by the time he'd gotten over the initial shock, Kakashi was rubbing his sore knuckles, glaring down at his Uncle's unconscious body. When he saw Iruka, he just smiled like nothing had happened, but something had.

Something big had happened, since, the next day, Kakashi's Uncle wouldn't look him in the eyes. When he had to talk to him, his chin would begin to tremble and he'd tilt his head so the hairs straying from his braid, covered his face like a shield. It was like the roles had reversed and Iruka's best friend loved it, preened to it and suddenly, he didn't smile as much anymore, just smirked. Iruka learned later—their nineteenth thousandth nine hundred and eighty ninth meeting when he was fourteen and Kakashi was fifteen—that his smirk was for the world. His smile was for Iruka. It made his tummy feel all warm and his heady all dizzy, but it wore off into a happy hum of excitement sitting at the pit of his stomach. The next week, Kakashi bought a coal mask to cover half of his face, a mask he never took off to hide an injury Iruka couldn't understand.

Iruka didn't know why he was thinking about him, as he gaped at Anko. _"What?"_

"Al, jus' listen to me for one minute!" She held up her hands, and he narrowed my eyes at her. He couldn't believe she'd even _suggest _that. "I mean, c'mon, people _want _what they can't have!"

"Look over there," Iruka jerked his head at a moldy sandwich stowed conspicuously under a tree a few feet from where they were standing in the mall. "You see that sandwich? I can't have it, can I? Cause, well, it's disgustin'. I don't want it, do I?"

The hag wanted him to pretend to be gay.

"Ya _can _have it, Ruka!" Looking ready to pull her hair out, "Ya yellow-bellied," She watched a _lot _of old Western cowboy flicks, "City fella, take Kakashi for an example."

"He's bi!" He yelled but she tutted at him and kept going, leading him past windows full of video games and wondrous treasures he wouldn't get.

"Gals see 'im walking round with that lil' blonde guy and they _swoon _with the wantin'." Sometimes he felt like they were in some historical movie like The Color Purple or Gone with the Wind or something, "Why? Cause they _know _they ain't gonna git none of it!"

Why was he friends with such a weirdo? He wondered as she hooked her arm with his.

"That's stupid." He murmured, "You're stupid."

"Ko-Ko!" A voice squealed, and he looked up at two girls in all metallic and bubble gum colors, "Ko-Ko, is that him?"

She nodded before he could ask who they were, "It's the boy, alright, got 'imself some lady troubles."

He was still trying to figure out how someone like _him—_one hundred percent sane—ended up friends with someone like _her—_one hundred percent _in_sane. Then the second one that had been quiet spoke up—in a boy's voice.

"Don't worry, ballerina. We'll fix 'im up."

He jerked back, pulling his arm unsuccessfully from her iron grip, "Aw _hell _to the no!"

They were going to totally _drag _him out. She was going past homosexuality, past _flamer, _she was going to the realm of drag queens, and he didn't think he was tough enough to handle it. He knew he wasn't tough enough to handle that.

"Oh, shut up and grow some balls." The drag queen rolled his eyes, wrapping an arm around the waist of the bouncy girl next to him. "I'm straight." When Iruka snorted disbelievingly he smirked and shrugged. "Think what you want to Ru-Ru-chan, but Sakura and I are taking you through the biggest, fattest—with a p-h—shopping trip of all time!"

Ru-Ru-chan? How'd he-she know Iruka's name, well, enough to mutilate it so thoroughly? He didn't have enough time to ponder on the idea because Anko clumsily continued to pull him along the mega-mall—is it even possible for a mall to be 'mega'?—he guessed that it was all his fault, any who. In Anko's own old western words, she was 'crazy enough to eat the devil with horns on' whatever that meant. What was he thinking, telling her about his recent relationship problems, or lack thereof of a relationship? He should've just sucked it up and gone on one of those speed dating things like Naruto—the lil blonde guy—suggested.

But, no, he wanted the _psychology _major's opinion, the female psychology major's. He glanced at her short choppy, and there he think it, butch hair cut and wrinkled t-shirt. Well, she was close enough to being female, closer than Kakashi or he was. He wasn't that much worse than her, with her paint stained jeans and beat up sneakers, why wasn't _she _the one getting a makeover? Ignoring the exclamation from Anko that he'd be a natural twink, he backed away from the looming store they were entering. It wasn't anything scary, normal stores mostly and a few other not-so-normal places where the two fairies and Anko tossed clothes at him.

It was pretty manly, you know, as far as he could tell.

Then they went to places just for accessories or shoes or jewelry or whatever. He didn't even know that men's shoes could have pointy toes. It all seemed pointless to him, because he'd just throw the items they bought with a credit card he'd stolen from Naruto's friend Sasuke or donate them to charity, but then they pushed him into a hair salon. He didn't want to remember that particular venture, but the complete facial wax package hurt like a bitch and he was ready to scream like one, mourning the beard-mustache combo he'd been working on. At least the haircut didn't hurt that much. Anko and her flying monkeys grew shriveled little black hearts and decided they wouldn't let him have the faux-hawk like he wanted. Instead he got his hair moisturized, and a bunch of things he didn't understand.

It didn't look gay.

It looked retard, and when he expressed that opinion to them, the girl on Haku's—that was the drag queen's name—declared that if he didn't look so 'scrumptious—her words, not his—she'd slap him silly. Oh, what a surprise, Anko's friends were psycho, and obviously blind, too. There were other places they took him to, like a store just for soap and soap-like products that he thought was a candy store, rushing into it with abandon until he bit into a bar of soap and was quickly disillusioned. They even made him get something he decided to forget about, and he allowed Anko to drag him along like some old rag doll.

He wouldn't recall the manicure and pedicure, if he had anything to say about it.

He wondered why there were following into his dorm room. Then, he turned to them, and asked a question he should've asked before.

"What's a twink?"

"What you are." Anko replied without missing a beat as he unlocked his dorm room.

"Baka," A voice that, at first, he thought was Kakashi growled, but when he warily peeked around the edge, Sasuke was glaring down at a giggling Naruto. Kakashi was sprawled across his bed, eying the pair uninterestedly over the rim of his textbook. "Give it back."

"Give what back?" Naruto teased, wriggling away from in between the aggravated boy's feet. "Iruka-chan!" He yelled, scrambling to his feet and away from Sasuke, a grin he called 'foxy' stamped onto his face, "Whoa, you look different."

"No," He scowled, "I don't."

"Yeah you do." Sasuke accused, grabbing Naruto by his polo's collar and pulled the blonde back against him, "Don't lie."

"Looks like someone went shopping," Kakashi remarked sluggishly, turning a page in his book slowly while Anko beamed.

"We had to after I threw away the rest of his clothes." She nodded to herself pleased, and for a moment Iruka nodded too.

Until, of course, his brain began to work again, "What the fuck, woman?!"

She didn't just say what he thought she just said. She couldn't have. He couldn't believe she would, but, then again, because it was Anko, he raced to his closet and threw the sliding doors open. _No, _he blinked, staring into the vacant air of his dresser, of his armoire, and his closet. Somber realization took over him. The queer clothes were the _only _clothes he had, and he was too poor to buy new, plain clothes.

"Y-You _monster," _He sobbed, falling to his knees, and she rubbed the back of her neck sheepishly, and blushed as if it were a compliment, "How _could _you?!"

"Well, tell ya the truth, it weren't easy." She admitted, and Haku and Sakura eyed the musky room with a condescending air. Hesitantly, he fell onto the cleanest surface—Iruka's bed—and the pink haired woman fell into his lap. "Long story short, I gathered all yer crap together and burned it."

His jaw dropped to the floor. "You what?"

"Don't worry, Ruka-chan!" She beamed, and did her best 'Good Guy' pose, "We get you covered."

"Yeah, you were not, now you're hot!" Sakura threw up her arms happily while Iruka turned to Kakashi, who, by the way the corners of his eyes were wrinkling, was smiling.

Haku chuckled. "The gay way—"

"Is the right way!" She finished.

Iruka just wanted to find a dark hole and die.

**A/N: **Please, don't kill me for starting _another _fanfiction. It just _came _to me, kay? Love you.


End file.
